There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
