So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
