She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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