The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
