Swine flu. Run for my life!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My dick has a subreddit
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
