In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I love having hate sex.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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