Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize