Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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