You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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