my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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