My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
