Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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