Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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