I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize