So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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