I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
