If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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