the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
