Do you still have your period?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
