when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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