I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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