you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
