i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize