I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
