if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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