There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
