ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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