I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
