with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
