I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
