I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
