Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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