That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
