you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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