I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
