I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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