My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
