Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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