saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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