Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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