Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
