So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
