I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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