The maid of honor just puked.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I love you. Go after that dick
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