It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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