she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
