Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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