your parents love me but you hate me
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
