Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
