i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There r osticjed everywhere
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
