im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You took a bar mat shot.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
