The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
