im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
