So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
