My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think my fart just growled at me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
