I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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