Umm I'm too high to move.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
